I went to the doctor's the other day to get a referral, and while I was speaking to the receptionist, she told me that I'm due for a smear test and there is a slot available on the same day. Mind you, I've been ignoring text messages and emails from my previous doctor for a smear test for years, and I felt ambushed since there was no reason to turn her down. A smear test or cervical screening is a preventive test done on women over 25 to find or monitor cells that might cause cancer.
I had my last smear test in 2019. As the daughter of a retired midwife, I understand how important it is for a woman; however, a childhood experience makes it hard for me to go to the doctor's. My period flow became heavier a few years ago, and it's been an embarrassing experience every month as I not only stain my clothes but also the bedding and everything else I sit or sleep on. It even happened at my new job last month, and luckily for me, I was dressed in black, and my coat covered it up.
When it started getting worse each month, I didn't bother making an appointment to see a doctor and even ignored letters and text messages about having a smear test. I went about my life as if it was normal to stain your bedding every month. Although I care about my health, I can't stand doctors and nurses because of my mother. I already mentioned in my post, The Real Reason I'm Still Single, that I grew up in a conservative family, and most traditional families are strict with their daughters. In my case, my mother valued my virginity more than anything and was willing to do whatever it took to keep me a virgin until marriage.
Helicopter Parenting & Trust Issues
As a teenager, my mother fell in love with a boy her parents didn't approve of, and when she got pregnant at 16, she was forced into an arranged marriage with her dad's nephew. She was married off to her cousin to save the family from the embarrassment of having a teenage daughter who had a child out of wedlock in the 60s. All of this could've been avoided if my grandparents accepted my sister's dad and approved their marriage, but preferred to marry her to an abusive cousin. So I often asked myself if my mother was trying her best to prevent me from making the same mistakes she made as a teenager, or if she couldn't be a better mother than my grandmother.
I still remember what my mother told me when I had my period for the first time: "Stay away from boys, your life will be over if you get pregnant". I was 11 years old and lived such a sheltered life; it meant nothing to me, and I thought to myself, "I'm only 11, so why would I want to have a baby?!" I wasn't an outgoing person even as a young girl, and I spent most of my time in my room watching anime or reading books. I wasn't one to make friends easily, and my mother didn't want me to have friends anyway, so I went straight home from school.
I wasn't popular in school, didn't have friends to hang out with and was considered weird for watching anime. Anime may be mainstream and popular now, but it wasn't the case in the late 90s and early 00s, and anyone who showed any interest in Japanese culture was bullied. So I looked forward to going home, and it wasn't about me pretending to be a good girl, even though most girls that age are curious about boys, smoking and alcohol. I felt safer in my bubble and couldn't wait to go back to it until my mother started projecting on me.
Having To Prove My Virginity
My mother was always strict with me, but it became unbearable after I had my first period. I didn't do anything crazy during my rebellious phase. I had a bit of an attitude. Still do, to be honest, but most parents wouldn't have any reason to doubt me since I didn't go out and never gave them any reason to. So you can imagine how I felt the first time my mother took me to the hospital where she used to work to check if I was still a virgin.
No matter how I tried to explain that I don't even know how to talk to boys, let alone have a boyfriend, she didn't believe me. Her answer was "Then you have nothing to worry about if you're still a virgin" When did she want me to get a boyfriend when I was always home and she kept watching me like a hawk. The only men and boys I speak to are family members and friends, and I'm never left alone with them. I was forced to take off my clothes, lie down on a bed and open my legs so they could check if my hymen was still intact.
I was 14 years old, never kissed a boy or had sex, yet one of my mother's colleagues inserted her fingers in me to see if I was still a virgin. I cried the entire time from the pain and humiliation, but more importantly, I was hurt and felt betrayed. How could my own mother do this to me? And it wasn't even the end of it; it became a ritual to go to her hospital every 6 months to prove my virginity. The experience made me lose interest in boys, if it was that painful to check a girl's virginity. I can't even imagine how painful it would be to have sex with a boy, and that's the reason I didn't start dating until I was older.
Struggling With Intimacy
I had to prove my virginity to my mother for years, and needless to say, it isn't easy for me to be intimate with a man. Any forplay that involves fingers is a hard no, as it reminds me of my experience as a teenager. I haven't been with a man since I broke up with the father of my children, and even though I've been single for years, it's still not easy for me to be intimate with a man. I can let a man touch me only if I really like him, which doesn't happen often, even though I want to date. I'm also not sure how a man would react if I told him that I don't like having fingers in a certain part of my body.
It's one of the reasons it doesn't bother me to be single. I had to part ways with men who didn't like it, and I don't feel like playing the dating lottery by going on a lot of dates to see if there is a man out there who would be fine with it. It's too troublesome, so I'll keep living my life quietly, even though I would like to fall in love again. But I wouldn't hold my breath considering how messy the dating scene is nowadays. My mother didn't want boys to touch me and made me go through an experience I still can't get over, and now she's praying to God every day to send me a husband. How ironic, most people meet their spouse in school, university or through friends. I was a loner, a late bloomer, and my mother didn't want me to socialise.
She threw daggers with her eyes every time I spoke to a man who wasn't family or a friend, so how exactly did she expect me to meet this husband? She wanted me to marry her friend's son, but I said no because she should've known better, as a woman who was forced into an arranged marriage. This is a learning experience for both of us. In her next life, she will be less overbearing and let her daughter live her life as she sees fit. And in my next life, I won't be the same boring and obedient girl; I will speak up and stand up for myself, take risks and more importantly, do what makes me happy instead of trying to meet my parents' expectations!
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