Photo by Brett Jordan

I was cleaning my desk the other day when I found my iPod; it looks exactly like the one in the picture above. I took it in my hand, sat down and smiled, thinking about the good old days. I purchased it a couple of years ago when I was feeling nostalgic about the 00s, when we listened to music without being interrupted by phone notifications.

I collected all sorts of antique and vintage items over the years, including a Polaroid camera, VHS tapes and a player, teacups and games. I sold most of my collection before moving to London, and my iPod is one of the few items I kept. Although I haven't used it for months, it holds a special place in my heart and reminds me of a time when I lived a carefree life.

When That 00s Nostalgia Hits You

Photo by Ben Griffiths

What I Miss About The 00s

What To Bring Back From The 00s

There was this one guy I was speaking to who never asked me out on a date, but wanted to stay over at my house. And when I told him, Men don't come to my house, he became even more persistent, so I blocked him, and he wasn't the only one. Whatever happened to giving women flowers and asking them out on dates? 

When I started living alone with my daughters, I felt guilty raising them in a single-parent household, as I grew up with both my parents. So I promised myself that the only man I'll introduce to my daughters and let set foot in my house will be in a serious relationship with me, and maybe get married one day. I've kept my promise and turned down men who didn't seem serious or who wanted to stay over after exchanging a few messages. Also, as a mother, how could I bring random men over to my place when I have daughters?! 

As I mentioned previously, I'm a conservative woman who received strict home training, and I want to be a mother my daughters would be proud of and set a good example for them. So that's how I've been living my life, and it's probably one of the reasons I'm still single, but it's fine with me. As far as I can remember, dating wasn't a priority; in fact, I wasn't allowed to date. I have been single more than I have been in relationships, and since I don't do one-night stands or friends with benefits, most men see me as a boring woman! 

I don't know what's going on, but I have this feeling that someone will finally walk into my life soon. I've had this feeling for the last few weeks, and this man will be different from others so far. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and I can't explain it, so I've been asking myself a lot: if I meet someone I'm interested in, do I still know how to love? 

Photo by Thought Catalog

Do I Still Know What Love Is

Learning To Love Again

"I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." John Green 

I share my thoughts on my podcast The Hushed Journal, available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. New episodes on Wednesdays and Sundays; feel free to join me for a chat. See the links below

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Thank you for reading!

The struggle these boobs have put me through

The Struggle to Find A Fitting Bra

The angle matters a lot.

Your Looks Depend On The Angle

I had tried dating, but it made me feel like I had to chase a man and convince him to be with me. I grew up in a time when men expressed their feelings and pursued women when they wanted them, and what's the point of being with someone if you have to list the reasons they should be with you if they can't see it for themselves?! When I like a man, I'll show interest, and if the feeling isn't mutual, I'd rather move on than cling to him, hoping that his feelings will change one day.

Is that the reason I haven't been in a relationship for years? I can't say for sure, but I honestly believe that a man would move mountains if he's into you. So every time a man I was talking to started playing hard to get, I lost interest and moved on, thinking he's not that into me, because if he was, he wouldn't make it so difficult for us to be together. As a working single mother, my life wasn't easy, and the last thing I needed was to stress over a man. So at some point, I just gave up and told myself that if there is a man out there for me, I'll meet him sooner or later, and that's how I ended up where I am today. 

Alone And Single In My 40s

Family Pressure To Get Married

I went to the doctor's the other day to get a referral, and while I was speaking to the receptionist, she told me that I'm due for a smear test and there is a slot available on the same day. Mind you, I've been ignoring text messages and emails from my previous doctor for a smear test for years, and I felt ambushed since there was no reason to turn her down. A smear test or cervical screening is a preventive test done on women over 25 to find or monitor cells that might cause cancer.

I had my last smear test in 2019. As the daughter of a retired midwife, I understand how important it is for a woman; however, a childhood experience makes it hard for me to go to the doctor's. My period flow became heavier a few years ago, and it's been an embarrassing experience every month as I not only stain my clothes but also the bedding and everything else I sit or sleep on. It even happened at my new job last month, and luckily for me, I was dressed in black, and my coat covered it up.

When it started getting worse each month, I didn't bother making an appointment to see a doctor and even ignored letters and text messages about having a smear test. I went about my life as if it was normal to stain your bedding every month. Although I care about my health, I can't stand doctors and nurses because of my mother. I already mentioned in my post, The Real Reason I'm Still Single, that I grew up in a conservative family, and most traditional families are strict with their daughters. In my case, my mother valued my virginity more than anything and was willing to do whatever it took to keep me a virgin until marriage.

Helicopter Parenting & Trust Issues

Struggling With Intimacy

sister and a mother. I flew to Bordeaux, France, for Christmas. It was my first time in the city, and choosing to be alone for Christmas seems like an odd choice since my family lives in Strasbourg. It is a significant moment for a family, and we all want to spend it with our loved ones, but I needed time to myself. I haven't been myself since moving to London, and I have some important decisions to make for 2026.

It seems like an excuse for choosing to be alone for Christmas when I have children, but these decisions will also have an impact on their lives. My daughters were very young when I broke up with their dad, the youngest being only three years old at the time. I raised them on my own until 2024, when their dad finally took over, as I was burned out. My life as a single mum abroad wasn't easy, and it left me physically and mentally exhausted.

It wasn't easy to let my daughters go, but I needed a break, and I've been feeling lonely ever since. I didn't spend Christmas with them in 2024 because they had moved in with their dad in August, and I wanted them to have their first Christmas together regardless of how I felt. I moved to London this year, and I've been the one to visit because I live in a shared house and don't have enough space to have them over. Most people were excited for Christmas, but it reminded me that I wouldn't be with my daughters this year as well.

Breaking The Christmas Tree Tradition

I started putting up a Christmas Tree in the house every year since becoming a mum for the first time in 2011. It became a happy and fun yearly tradition, and my daughters always looked forward to that time of the year. My youngest loves Christmas so much that she even watches Christmas movies in the summer. I still put up a Christmas tree in 2024 after they left, since I had them around before Christmas.

And for the first time in fourteen years, there was no house or Christmas tree. I'm living in a tiny room in London, so even if I wanted to keep the tradition going, there isn't enough space for the tree. What hurt the most was being unable to have the girls over; they still haven't seen my place in London. I usually visit them two to three times a month and saw them a week before Christmas. I even ordered their presents online to be shipped to their dad's house!

It wouldn't be fun to spend Christmas in a hotel room if I asked them to come to London. I also didn't want to go to my sister's house for Christmas and impose myself on her family when I couldn't be with my daughters. Christmas at my mother's house wasn't an option because she's overbearing and will constantly ask me why I'm still not married. I was feeling depressed after visiting my daughter, and thought it was best to go on a trip.

Being Alone For Christmas To Find Myself

Life in London has been fun, and I've grown so much as a person since moving here, but I've already decided that this isn't the place for me. I'm not a big city person and will never get used to life in London, so I started travelling all over the country to see if I could find a town to call my new "home". I have been travelling a lot in the last couple of months, mostly to visit cities or attend job interviews (vlogs are on my YouTube Channel).

I've been in London for over six months now, and I'm still struggling to find my place in this city. I don't recognise myself anymore, it's like I'm becoming a different person, and I don't like it. I decided to move after visiting a beautiful and historic city near London. I went on a day trip and fell in love with the city. This festive season reaffirmed my decision, as I want to spend more time with my daughters, or even have them back, and it won't be possible as long as I stay in London.

I'm planning another big change in the next few months, which is why I needed time to myself and chose to spend Christmas alone so I can think things through. I have to find myself if I want things to work out the way I want them to within the time I gave myself. I know from experience that change is never easy, and I have to be mentally and physically prepared. I chose to visit Bordeaux for Christmas, a city where I have no family and don't know anyone, to focus on myself and think of where I want to be by the end of 2026!

A Moment Of Happiness And Reflection

As a Christian, a Catholic to be exact, I'm embarrassed to say that I've been questioning my faith and considering converting to Buddhism, which I had an interest in as a teenager. I haven't been to church for a couple of years, and I used to pray at home, but stopped recently. It's so hard to be a Christian these days, and my faith is weakening. So I didn't attend mass on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I went sightseeing during the day, watched TV shows throughout the night and didn't wake up until 12 in the afternoon on Christmas Day. I was alone, depressed in a hotel room and questioning my life choices when my daughters and the rest of my family called to wish me a Merry Christmas. Talking to my family reminded me that it was my choice to be alone for Christmas, but it didn't mean I had to be lonely.

I don't mind being on my own and enjoy my own company, but it doesn't feel the same since moving to London. I've grown a lot as a person, and trying to adapt to my new life has taught me some good and hard lessons, but this isn't where I want to be a year from now. Christmas isn't just a time for joy and happiness; it's also a time to reflect on your life. A time to think of where you came from, where you are and where you want to be next. After spending a few days alone in Bordeaux over Christmas, I now know exactly where I want to be for Christmas next year...

Thank you for reading!