Learning To Love Again




I don't remember the last time I looked at a man and thought to myself, " I want him". I haven't been in a relationship since breaking up with the father of my children, and over the last few years, I haven't met a man who made me fall for him. My last crush was in 2018, and I quickly lost interest as he turned out to be rude. Although I knew he was also interested in me, I lost interest when he made me feel like I had to try hard to get his attention. I walked away, and even though I met some men along the way, none of them made me feel like wanting to know them better. 

There was this one guy I was speaking to who never asked me out on a date, but wanted to stay over at my house. And when I told him, Men don't come to my house, he became even more persistent, so I blocked him, and he wasn't the only one. Whatever happened to giving women flowers and asking them out on dates? 

When I started living alone with my daughters, I felt guilty raising them in a single-parent household, as I grew up with both my parents. So I promised myself that the only man I'll introduce to my daughters and let set foot in my house will be in a serious relationship with me, and maybe get married one day. I've kept my promise and turned down men who didn't seem serious or who wanted to stay over after exchanging a few messages. Also, as a mother, how could I bring random men over to my place when I have daughters?! 

As I mentioned previously, I'm a conservative woman who received strict home training, and I want to be a mother my daughters would be proud of and set a good example for them. So that's how I've been living my life, and it's probably one of the reasons I'm still single, but it's fine with me. As far as I can remember, dating wasn't a priority; in fact, I wasn't allowed to date. I have been single more than I have been in relationships, and since I don't do one-night stands or friends with benefits, most men see me as a boring woman! 

I don't know what's going on, but I have this feeling that someone will finally walk into my life soon. I've had this feeling for the last few weeks, and this man will be different from others so far. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and I can't explain it, so I've been asking myself a lot: if I meet someone I'm interested in, do I still know how to love? 

Photo by Thought Catalog


Do I Still Know What Love Is

I love my daughters and myself, but am I still able to fall in love with a man?! What if I meet someone I really like? Can I still open my heart to him? Do I even know what love is anymore? These questions may seem silly, but it's something I've been asking myself a lot lately. At first, it was just my daughters and me. I love them, of course, but a mother's love is different from the love you have for a man. Then last year, I moved to London, and it's just me now. 

I spend most of my time alone, and I haven't fallen for a man for a long time, so I don't know if I can still love and be romantic with someone. I'm worried about being unable to open my heart again because life wasn't easy for me as a working single mother. I had no one to rely on and did everything myself. I wouldn't have been able to make it this far if I hadn't shut down my emotions.

I'm a friendly, polite and shy woman who's always smiling, but the truth is, I don't care about most people. I don't feel anything for anyone except for myself and my family. No matter how hard life got for me, I kept pushing myself regardless of how I felt because I had people relying on me and all those years I spent taking care of my daughters, I didn't cry until moving to London.

I'm slowly starting to get my feelings back, but I'm still a pretty cold woman. Life has hardened me, and that's why I'm wondering if I still know how to love. Can I still love a man with all my heart like I did in the past?! Am I still single because I haven't met a man who made me fall for him, or is it because I'm unable to fall for anyone now?! Even if I met my soulmate, I'll probably just walk past him without feeling anything.


Learning To Love Again

I was kicking my feet the other day at romantic scenes in The Rebel Princess, a Chinese drama with Zhang Ziyi; she was so big in the early 00s. It was great to see her in a historical drama. Anyway, it's so out of character for me to smile at romantic scenes; I usually find them annoying. I think I'm finally starting to get my feelings back now that the weight of responsibilities has lessened since last year. I only have to worry about myself and don't have to be strong anymore.

I also cried earlier this week because I've been trying so hard lately, and that's fine; there is no shame in crying, but I couldn't do it when my daughters were around. I didn't want to rely on them emotionally, so I held everything in so they could fully live out their childhood. It's only by letting out all the emotions I held back over the years that I'll learn to love again. I'm in no hurry to fall in love, and I have no intention of falling for a random man, but I think it's important for me to learn how to love again. 

The thing about shutting down your emotions is that you don't get to pick and choose; you just turn cold and become unbothered. I was cold to everyone, including my family and daughters, which is why I sent them to their dad. I grew up with a cold mother and didn't want my daughters to have the same experience, so I'm learning to open my heart, be emotional, show my love and more importantly, express my feelings to the people in my life!

"I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." John Green 

I share my thoughts on my podcast The Hushed Journal, available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. New episodes on Wednesdays and Sundays; feel free to join me for a chat. See the links below

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