In my early 20s, I was still a naive woman who thought the world was a happy place where everyone got along. It may seem ridiculous, but it's the truth: my parents were very protective, and I lived a sheltered life. So I didn't get to interact with people outside my family; that's why I didn't know that much about the world and people in general. Hence, I'm making this post about some life lessons learned in my 20s.
I spent my childhood and teens hidden in my bedroom, reading books and watching anime away from the realities of this world. I left my parents' home for the first time to go to university; I moved to another city and lived with my uncle. And my uncle's wife taught me my very first lesson on how people will make you feel unwelcome without saying it to your face.
Some lessons are better learned the hard way, and what a learning experience it has been since leaving my parents' home. I was raised to be kind, honest and treat people with respect, but we live in a world where kindness is seen as weakness. So I met a lot of people who tried to bully me, thinking I was weak and stupid, especially at work. Some of my worst experiences happened in the corporate world; I guess people don't stop being bullies after high school.
I used to let things slide, thinking that ignoring rude and mean people was better than interacting with them, but being the bigger person is a mistake, as it encourages disrespect. Bullies keep being bullies because they aren't called out and held accountable for their behaviour; it actually says a lot about this world when people expect someone who's been treated badly to just forget and move on. Anyway, these are some of the hardest life lessons I learned in my 20s.
You Can't Fully Trust People
Back in high school, I met a girl I got along with really well, and I even fought my mother to have her as a friend. A few years later, she was more than a friend to me and when she was struggling to get a job. I asked my boss at the time to hire her, and after she joined the company, things started going wrong for me. She made up lies and rumours about me, and since she was like a sister to me, people believed her, and in the end I even lost my job.
I didn't know that she was secretly jealous of me and was plotting my downfall. I can't put into words how I felt back then; I didn't try to get back at her and walked away. A few months later, she was fired from the job, and my old boss tried to give me my job back after they realised the type of person she was. I already had a new job and had no interest in working for someone who doubted me. The lesson is that you can't fully trust people, especially those who are close to you.
I'm friendly, kind, and polite, but I no longer try to get too close to people. I spent many years yearning for friends, and when I finally made one, she turned around and betrayed me. Maybe my mother was right to be strict with me; who knows what other bad experiences I might have gone through with such friends. I had so many regrets after her betrayal and wished I had listened to my mother.
Honestly, I think some people are genuine and can be good friends, but I'd rather be on my own. I've been enjoying life alone for so many years now that the idea of making friends seems ridiculous. This is one of the most painful lessons I learned in my early 20s. She did apologise eventually, and I forgave her but never forgot.
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| Photo by Hannah Rodrigo |
Having Expectations Hurts
This is a lesson I learned when I started dating; it was stupid of me to expect a man to be decent and honest. I was an innocent girl in love who thought that being committed, loyal and faithful was the key to a happy relationship, but I ended up being taken for granted instead. I don't think there is anything worse in life than wasting your feelings on the wrong person; there are too many men out there who think a woman in love will stay and forgive no matter what.
There was this time when the father of my children told me the same thing, and you should have seen the look on his face when I told him I got myself a house and was moving out with the kids. And when he asked, "Are you really leaving?" I told him that the only woman who will tolerate his behaviour and still love him unconditionally is his mother, and I didn't birth him, so yes, I'm leaving.
Women have too many expectations of men, and when reality hits us, it hurts because you start seeing that man for who he really is, and let's be honest, most men are disappointing. They make promises they don't keep; some have bad hygiene and live in bad conditions. Others want you to support them financially and hardly help at home. I grew up in a time when men were providers and protectors, and I will never fall for a bum, but I do feel for my daughters' generation.
The lesson I learned when I started dating and interacting with men is that wearing your heart on your sleeve will get you hurt; some men will use your feelings to take advantage of you. There is nothing wrong with being in love and having expectations, but actions speak louder than words. It's a lot easier to say sweet words than it is to do something nice or sweet for someone. Over the years, my expectations came to depend on how a person treats me; this applies to dating and life in general!
Be Kind Instead Of Being Nice
My mother has only 2 daughters: my older sister who lives here in London and me. People in my family have been comparing us since childhood, even though she's 16 years older than me. They say my sister is nice and friendly while I'm cold and unapproachable; it doesn't bother me because she's fake nice. I don't mean it in a mean way and am just stating a fact: she pretends to be nice around people, especially family, while I'm true to myself.
I don't care what people think of me and don't need to put a fake smile on my face to please anyone. I'm kind to everyone until they give me a reason to stop. As I mentioned above, we live in a world where kindness is seen as weakness, and some people will give you a hard time for being a decent person. When it happens, I match their energy.
To me, being kind is being yourself and doing things because you want to, not to please other people. Kind people don't care how the world sees them, while nice people do things to please other people. I finally understood why my parents raised me to be kind when I became a parent myself. I don't want my daughters to do things they aren't comfortable with to make others like them.
Kind people don't let people's perception of them influence them; their personality is genuine, and they tend to gravitate towards people who have the same values. On the other hand, being nice is pretending to care to look good; I didn't know the difference until I met nice people who were two-faced. They were nice in public and mean in private, and in a world full of nice people, be kind!
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