sister and a mother. I flew to Bordeaux, France, for Christmas. It was my first time in the city, and choosing to be alone for Christmas seems like an odd choice since my family lives in Strasbourg. It is a significant moment for a family, and we all want to spend it with our loved ones, but I needed time to myself. I haven't been myself since moving to London, and I have some important decisions to make for 2026.
It seems like an excuse for choosing to be alone for Christmas when I have children, but these decisions will also have an impact on their lives. My daughters were very young when I broke up with their dad, the youngest being only three years old at the time. I raised them on my own until 2024, when their dad finally took over, as I was burned out. My life as a single mum abroad wasn't easy, and it left me physically and mentally exhausted.
It wasn't easy to let my daughters go, but I needed a break, and I've been feeling lonely ever since. I didn't spend Christmas with them in 2024 because they had moved in with their dad in August, and I wanted them to have their first Christmas together regardless of how I felt. I moved to London this year, and I've been the one to visit because I live in a shared house and don't have enough space to have them over. Most people were excited for Christmas, but it reminded me that I wouldn't be with my daughters this year as well.
Breaking The Christmas Tree Tradition
I started putting up a Christmas Tree in the house every year since becoming a mum for the first time in 2011. It became a happy and fun yearly tradition, and my daughters always looked forward to that time of the year. My youngest loves Christmas so much that she even watches Christmas movies in the summer. I still put up a Christmas tree in 2024 after they left, since I had them around before Christmas.
And for the first time in fourteen years, there was no house or Christmas tree. I'm living in a tiny room in London, so even if I wanted to keep the tradition going, there isn't enough space for the tree. What hurt the most was being unable to have the girls over; they still haven't seen my place in London. I usually visit them two to three times a month and saw them a week before Christmas. I even ordered their presents online to be shipped to their dad's house!
It wouldn't be fun to spend Christmas in a hotel room if I asked them to come to London. I also didn't want to go to my sister's house for Christmas and impose myself on her family when I couldn't be with my daughters. Christmas at my mother's house wasn't an option because she's overbearing and will constantly ask me why I'm still not married. I was feeling depressed after visiting my daughter, and thought it was best to go on a trip.
Being Alone For Christmas To Find Myself
Life in London has been fun, and I've grown so much as a person since moving here, but I've already decided that this isn't the place for me. I'm not a big city person and will never get used to life in London, so I started travelling all over the country to see if I could find a town to call my new "home". I have been travelling a lot in the last couple of months, mostly to visit cities or attend job interviews (vlogs are on my YouTube Channel).
I've been in London for over six months now, and I'm still struggling to find my place in this city. I don't recognise myself anymore, it's like I'm becoming a different person, and I don't like it. I decided to move after visiting a beautiful and historic city near London. I went on a day trip and fell in love with the city. This festive season reaffirmed my decision, as I want to spend more time with my daughters, or even have them back, and it won't be possible as long as I stay in London.
I'm planning another big change in the next few months, which is why I needed time to myself and chose to spend Christmas alone so I can think things through. I have to find myself if I want things to work out the way I want them to within the time I gave myself. I know from experience that change is never easy, and I have to be mentally and physically prepared. I chose to visit Bordeaux for Christmas, a city where I have no family and don't know anyone, to focus on myself and think of where I want to be by the end of 2026!
A Moment Of Happiness And Reflection
As a Christian, a Catholic to be exact, I'm embarrassed to say that I've been questioning my faith and considering converting to Buddhism, which I had an interest in as a teenager. I haven't been to church for a couple of years, and I used to pray at home, but stopped recently. It's so hard to be a Christian these days, and my faith is weakening. So I didn't attend mass on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
I went sightseeing during the day, watched TV shows throughout the night and didn't wake up until 12 in the afternoon on Christmas Day. I was alone, depressed in a hotel room and questioning my life choices when my daughters and the rest of my family called to wish me a Merry Christmas. Talking to my family reminded me that it was my choice to be alone for Christmas, but it didn't mean I had to be lonely.
I don't mind being on my own and enjoy my own company, but it doesn't feel the same since moving to London. I've grown a lot as a person, and trying to adapt to my new life has taught me some good and hard lessons, but this isn't where I want to be a year from now. Christmas isn't just a time for joy and happiness; it's also a time to reflect on your life. A time to think of where you came from, where you are and where you want to be next. After spending a few days alone in Bordeaux over Christmas, I now know exactly where I want to be for Christmas next year...
Thank you for reading!
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